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    Saturday, 27 January 2018

    25 ways to prevent common sexual frustrations in marriage 


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    Many couples deal with sexual frustrations and most feel lonely in their struggle, thinking that other couples are having a great time in the bedroom while they’re missing out. That feeling of others having great sex while you are not, is perpetuated by the movies and also by the fact that when a couple stays silent about it, it’s easy to think they’re the only ones having that problem. In reality, I’d say that only about 10 to 15 per cent of couples do not have some significant frustration when it comes to sexuality. So, it’s far more common to run into some sort of brick wall in relationships.

    What most couples see as the most common sources of frustration, pain, or disappointment during sex is related to many things.

    One: The first issue is the inability to locate the complicated sexuality of the female and deal with it appropriately. The fact still remains that the female sexuality is far different from that of the male and it is mostly complicated. The female’s inability to enjoy sex due to physical pain or because the husband focuses too much on his needs alone and she can’t seem to get anything from it, always leads to projected frustration in women. And if the husband does not wisely handle the situation, it will lead to a higher level of frustration that usually leads to disconnection, separation and invariably, infidelity or divorce.

    Two: The second most common frustration is due to difference in desire levels. It could be that the woman wants sex more often and the husband doesn’t or the other way around.

    Three: For many couples, there’s an emotional desire to experience sex as something beautiful, passionate, and God-honouring, but there’s a disconnect between the man and the woman as regards their actual physical experience. A woman may be frustrated because, in reality, she’s engaging in sexual intimacy more out of duty than real sexual desire.

    Four: We need to recognise that the female sexuality is way more complicated than the male sexuality. Many couples don’t go into marriage with the full grasp of that. They just assume that somehow this is all going to work out and he’ll get his needs met and she’ll get her needs met. What often ends up happening is that, because the man’s needs are more obvious, he’s typically more vocal about them, and he knows how to get his needs met. For many couples, the first several years of marriage become about the man’s sexuality, and what they do in the bedroom becomes about how the man gets satisfied. This often happens without couples even realising it—and nobody stops to ask about the wife’s need. It is not that hard for a woman to love a man sexually, but it can be very difficult for a man to learn how to unlock his wife’s sexuality—especially when she might not even know how herself.

    Five: For example, a husband may ask, “What do you want? What feels good?” And she’ll say, “I don’t know.” Then she may start to cry or get frustrated and give up. The average couple just proceeds like that over the course of their marriage; their sex life becomes all about what he wants and needs, but it may be because she doesn’t know what she wants and what she needs.

    Six: Some women have been in a marriage like that for 10 or 15 years and they start to believe, ‘there must be something wrong with my body; I guess I just can never enjoy sex’. That’s just not true! There’s most likely nothing wrong with your body—and if there is, it’s most likely something that can be easily fixed. It often has a whole lot more to do with your mind, your emotions, and your spiritual beliefs about sexuality.

    Seven: One reason why a wife may feel there is something wrong with her body is if she is unable to reach climax. That can be a very deep, emotional wound for a woman. This is because a struggle to achieve climax is almost NEVER a physical problem. While there can be hormone imbalances and things like that, which have effects on sexual desires and responses, it’s almost never due to an anatomical problem. For the vast majority of the time, this sort of struggle has to do with a woman’s mind and what she thinks about her sexuality. Research has also recorded that hostility, in-law issues, overwork and insecurity in the marriage are some of the factors hindering some wives from reaching climax during sex.

    Eight: I’d love for a woman in that situation to sit down and list all of the things that are wonderful about sex between her and her husband. For example, she might write, it’s just between him and me and we have secrets that are fun to keep. Sometimes we laugh together. It feels good to be able to meet his needs. It feels good when he touches me here. To realise that sex really is about more than climaxing—that there are so many good things happening. Making climax the only goal is really robbing you of all the other gifts involved.

    Nine: Also, do not give up hope. Don’t settle for a mindset like, ‘Well, I guess it’s just never really going to happen for me’. Instead, begin to work on it. Practically speaking, it’s also important to keep in mind that many women can’t have an orgasm without direct stimulation to the clitoris. This means that many wives need manual stimulation—not just the friction of intercourse. So, don’t be shy about making this a normal part of your sexual interaction with your husband, he needs to know and if he forgets about it, take his hands and fingers and place them on your clitoris and instruct him or direct him on what to do and how best to do it.

    Ten: Can you believe that a couple can achieve 100 per cent sexual satisfaction if they so wish without experiencing a moment of frustration? Yes, to keep the excitement in sex without frustration, couples must just stay connected. Being connected body-to-body and heart-to-heart is what makes sex fulfilling and fun without frustration.

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